I am in an exceptionally good mood for some reason. It happens. I feel strong and happy and light in the head. I can deal with anything right now. Anything. So I'm going to try to get my March blogging chores out of the way all in one go - I had promised myself that I would do three whole posts this month. Not just one or two, you understand, but three. I am a hero. 

This undoubted heroism of mine, coupled with my happily exuberant state, ought to shield me nicely from the way-too-close-to-home nature of the subject matter. That's the plan, at any rate.....

Suicide rates in Scotland are on the increase, with men leading the charge. Good stuff. A lot of men feel unsure of their role in society these days, so it's nice to see some initiative being shown. Don't believe the hateful feminist propaganda that trashes the competence of men. Just take a look at the figures, lady. Between 1989 and 2004, the suicide rate in men increased to the tune of 22% - awesome. Silly lackadaisical women, probably too busy knitting or over-achieving in education or being lesbians or something, managed a measly 6% increase. How lame is that? Could you lot actually be any further behind in this particular field? Goooaaaal. One nil to men, I think you'll find.

It gets better, though. It's not just that Scottish men now have something tangible with which to lord it over Scottish women (at very long last). No. Scottish people in general can now lord it over the rest of the UK, too. Oh, you dirty Sassenach bastards, how I have longed for this moment. If I were a Jew-hating moron with nary a clue about history, any history, I should probably be painting my face blue and making a jaundiced anti-English film right about now - shouting Freedom in a most peculiar accent as I did so. Tempting. I'm going to have to settle for gloating contentedly, however.

According to The Scotsman (07/03/07) "rates of suicide in Scotland are the highest in the UK, almost double those in England". Did you hear that, you sorry bunch of English losers? - almost DOUBLE. That's got to hurt. But wait - "experts called for increased efforts to target those most at risk". Why? We're winning, you fucking idiots. Man, I really hate experts. So typical of Scots, as well, to sabotage their own success stories. Makes me mad, that does.

"The reasons for Scotland's suicide record remain unclear, although high levels of deprivation, alcohol and drug abuse and large numbers of people living in remote areas are possible risk factors." D'you think? 

"The 270-page report [sorry, I forgot to say, there was a 270-page report commissioned by The Scottish Executive] also reveals details of those who are most at risk of suicide in Scotland - showing variations between rich and poor." No way. You'll need to work an awful lot harder to convince me of THAT, you 270-page report, you.

"The Scottish Executive, which commissioned the report (told you) said its suicide prevention strategy - Choose Life - would now introduce more initiatives to target those groups most at risk." Phew. I'm sort of left hoping they do outreach programmes for expatriots, because I could do with feeling targeted every once in a while. Also, I am pretty certain that I would react favourably to someone coming to my door with a clipboard and recommending that I simply Choose Life.

We understand you are at risk, Sir.

Yes, that sounds about right.

Money worries, Sir?

Nope. None whatsoever.

Abusing alcohol are we, Sir?

Nope. Not touched the stuff in over a year and a half. 

Any other drugs you might be using, Sir?

Coffee and cigarettes.

Nothing else at all, Sir?

Nothing else at all, you nosey bastard, no.

Hmm. In some kind of trouble with the law, perhaps, Sir?

No.

Ever?

Never.

Are you maybe living in a deprived area, then, Sir?

Does it look that way to you?

No, Sir, my apologies, it doesn't. Do you live alone?

No. I live with my girlfriend.

Relationship falling apart is it, Sir?

No. Still going strong after 16 years. I don't want anyone or anything else.

Any family you can rely on in times of crisis, Sir?

Yes.

In regular contact with them, are we?

Yes. I speak with all three of my sisters at least once a week. We laugh a lot.

Any hobbies, Sir?

Yep, plenty.

Hmm. Most unusual. It says here that you are at risk, but....."

But?

You don't exactly fit the profile, Sir, that's all."

That is strange, yes, because I definitely do have very strong urges to top myself every once in a while.

This is all very complicated, isn't it, Sir?

Yes.

Here's a leaflet, anyway. Do be sure to read it, Sir. Good day."

I will read it, I promise. Good day to you, too.

Choose Life. A catchy title, to be sure, but not enough in itself to answer the question it raises of why?