Friday 9 March 2007

Cricket fans make better lovers - official

Sport is weird. Men who take sport seriously are weirder still. Men who call other men weird for taking sport seriously, whilst all the while taking a particular sport seriously themselves, are perhaps the weirdest men of all. I take cricket seriously and say that other men who take other sports seriously are not only weird, but stupid. This makes me both stupid and hypocritical. And last, but by no means least, it irrefutably makes me weird as hell. I'll live.

Because there are so many different sports in the world - the official figure is 13, but this seems pessimistic - I would find it impossible to compare all of them to cricket to prove my point (see the title of this post for the point in question). Thankfully, I don't need to bother myself with such a task, because someone else has just emphatically made my point for me. Happy, happy days.

Researchers at a university in, I think, Warwickshire (although I'll need to check this out further before saying so for certain) have made the gratifying discovery that the sexual performance of men who watch cricket is demonstrably superior to the "performance" of those men who don't. Result. I'm not really sure if it is possible to feel happier than I do at this moment in time. I may very well be doing a sex mistake in my trousers as I type. What do I care, though? Boffins assure me that I'm a (considerate and patient) tiger-brute in bed and so, for once in my life, nothing else really seems to matter. This sweetest of revelations helps to confirm a few suspicions I've long held about tennis, say, or football. Especially tennis, though. (De nada, Mr Z)

But now is not the time to gloat over the sexual inadequacies of men who like tennis or football or, I don't know, tennis or something. They will be feeling wretched enough tonight as it is, I imagine, as they lie slumped and guiltily sated beside their depressed and frustrated partners. Why oh why, they must be asking themselves, did we not just go to the cricket and learn all about patience and delayed gratification? Why oh why indeed, you selfish little grunters.

There is just too much to say about all of this. However, I'm going to exercise some self-control (thank you, cricket) and restrict myself solely to bringing this wonderful news to your attention. See you in April.

(I'll put up the relevant links just as soon as I can - and may also add some other stuff to this post, too. I'm tired now, though, and need to go to bed. My lucky, lucky girlfriend.)

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