Friday 5 October 2007

It's called Burma, Ibrahim

God damn it. Those greedy, gas-guzzling monks have somehow managed to get the UN to fight their corner now, as well. I just saw it on Sky News - live! Not content with forcing their revolting agenda onto the world stage, the petrol-hungry pacifists also seem to expect the good guys - you and me, basically - to direct some stern mouth words towards the Burmese Junta and to tell them to quit messing around with the price of fuel and everything. How on earth can they be so selfish? 

Those Junta guys were surely acting in the long-term global interest by hiking up the price of fuel? It's really rather disappointing, then, that the (otherwise photogenic) monks only seem to care about the performance of their SUV's or whatever. Where have they been these last few years as the happy-go-lucky leaders crushed their compatriots towards a mute and brutalised submission? Where were you? And where in all holy hell, come to think of it, are those campaigning environmentalist guys when you need them? They should be out there, you know, forming human shields around government buildings, singing baleful songs whilst brimming lazily with their super-easy convictions and a righteous desire to protect those poor army boys from rampaging Buddhist monks. They need to encourage eco-friendly regimes. What kind of a world do they want to leave to the children of their children, after all?

And another thing. Jesus. But how come the monks are so impatient and pushy? We told them over a week ago that we were watching. What more do they want? 

No less a figure than than David Miliband, 13, Member of Parliament for South Shields, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs and Transformers, said - and I quote - "we're watching". And we were. In fact, we still are (although less so, obv.) Today, following a media savvy campaign that saw the fame-obsessed monks pose, fleeingly, as their heads were stampeded by guns and stuff, the world is watching, too. Not just Britons, then. Phew. I know this, because the UN has announced - and, again, I quote - that "the world is watching". 

So hey. Listen up, monks, and quit complaining - if your skin was just a couple of shades darker we probably wouldn't even be doing that. You should count yourselves lucky and simply try to relax and enjoy your 15 minutes, k? (There could be a book deal in this, you know, or a shot at Strictly Come Dancing.) In the meantime, have y'all considered a Toyota Prius? Some of our leading celebrities swear by them.

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